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What Does Love Require of Us?
We have a pervasive cultural belief that true love is easy, magical and inspiring when in fact to make love true we have to invest in a process of learning how to love. True love requires us to grow up.
Thich Nhat Hanh in his book “Teachings on Love” describes two words in Vietnamese that mean love. One means passion and the other, “Nghia”, is about bonding through sharing joys and difficulties over a long period of time. Unfortunately, our culture worships passion and doesn’t help us too much with Nghia. For Nghia to flourish, it is vital that you are fully present to your partner and to yourself.
Nghia Love requires you to:
1. Take care of yourself.
To be fully present to another person requires one to be fully present to self. If we are hurt and cannot ask for help it creates distance. If we feel resentment we live in negativity not love. So it is vital you take care of yourself first. Your desires need to be valued by you and expressed honestly. As Elizabeth Gilbert says in her book, “Eat, Pray, Love” ‘fill yourself up so that you can be an offering to the world’.
2. Practice deep listening and loving speech.
No one can hurt us as deeply as our significant other. Therefore we need to concentrate on careful communication so as not to ignore our tremendous responsibility to love at all times. Listen deeply for the reason your partner may be upset with you instead of trying to defend yourself. Speak warmly, carefully and honestly. You can be firm and strong in delivering your message without causing harm.
3. Truly know yourself and each other.
When you argue about the toothpaste tube you are really trying to communicate your needs. It is important to learn how to communicate these honestly and to understand what your partner is really trying to tell you. When you don’t squeeze the tube my way I may get offended because I may believe that your behaviour means that you don’t listen to me and therefore don’t care about me. Or if I am the one in trouble for not squeezing it ‘correctly’ then I may believe that you think I am a loser and of little value to you. If we can’t get to the underlying meaning of the problem then hurts mount and resentments grow.
4. Do the repair work after a dispute.
Love is in the repair work. Passion is in the fun and excitement which is fleeting at best once the romance stage of a relationship ends. (And it always does). Nghia is created when you care enough about each other to truly understand what is going on and repair the damages and learn how to love in a way that builds a strong bond that eventually becomes unshakeable.
5. Take time for your relationships.
Time is essential. All relationships are impossible without time. Getting any job done is impossible without time. Couples tell me they don’t have enough time to spend with each other. I say to you that without giving time, your relationship cannot flourish. Spend meaningful time together no matter what else you have to sacrifice to do it. And when there are other things going on, concentrate on staying mindful of each other. Look at each other, touch each other, kiss hello and goodbye, send emails and voice mail messages, buy gifts, kiss and hug, hold hands and pay attention. Meaningful connections can happen in seconds.
6. Focus on the positive.
Shift your awareness to the positive aspects of your relationship and spend time in feeling grateful for what is working. When you are apart from each other imagine staying connected and caring towards the other. Feel gratitude for the shared values and shared experiences that are forming a strong bond. Practice this daily in the car, or on the bus or in the shower. Filling your minds with loving thoughts will expand your hearts and our minds and will actually give you energy!
Love requires us to love another, not to seek to be loved. Most of our anger and resentments come from not looking after ourselves well and expecting another person to do that for us – “if he really loved me he would know what I need” or, “if I was important to her she wouldn’t be upset with me”. When we are looking inward and focused on our own desires, we cannot find happiness. As we move our awareness to include another’s perspective, we open our hearts and are able to communicate with empathy and compassion. This allows us to be capable of learning how to love. Enjoy the journey – it is well worth it!
Books
Teaching of Love
By: Thich Nhat Hanh
How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It
By: Patricia Love and Steven Stosny
Eat, Pray Love
By: Elizabeth Gilbert
Susan Prosser offers counselling to individuals, families, and couples, and conducts workshops and courses on parenting, relationship issues, self esteem and communication at the Adlerian Counselling and Consulting Group, Inc. The holistic approach of the Centre is congruent with Susan's approach to working with people.
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