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Keeping Love Alive
Falling in love is easy. Staying in love is the challenge. As a culture we focus on the joys of falling in love but we do not learn the skills of staying in love. Many of us believe that once the ‘in love’ feeling is gone, the relationship is in trouble. On the contrary, that is the time the job of creating enduring love begins. The significant connection we form during the beginning of a relationship needs to be nurtured, otherwise it can be lost and we drift into unhealthy behaviours which cause hurt and create distance. Behaviours, such as withdrawal, anger, avoidance, criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt move us away from the person we need the most. This hurts because, as human beings, our natural state is authentic connection - it is how we begin life, it is the state we function best in and it is the condition we crave.
There is good news and bad news about nurturing the connective state with our loved ones. It is up to us! Bad news because it takes courage and will power to be loving and connected when we are upset or hurt; and good news because it is within our power to be loving and compassionate with our loved ones.
Steven Stosny, psychologist and co-author of How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About it, explains that when we are in a devalued state (either we are devalued or we are actively devaluing someone else) we can choose to move into a compassionate, loving frame of mind by protecting, connecting, improving and appreciating the person we are with.
John Gottman, a psychologist, is a leading researcher in couple relationships. In his book, the ‘Relationship Cure’ he offers practical advice on how to build emotional connections. I recommend his book to everyone in a relationship. We all need help building our awareness and our skills in order to maintain and maximize the connections we all want.
John Gottman has developed the concept of the ‘emotional bank account’ as a metaphor for being aware of how well we invest in our relationships. He emphasizes the importance of making daily deposits in our accounts in order to keep it topped up. When it is full, we feel better and function better in the relationship making it easier to weather difficulties and disagreements. When we feel generally safe and secure with our partner, it becomes easier to be patient, supportive, loving and respectful, even during arguments and tough times.
Depleting the Emotional Bank Account
Anything that causes disconnection in a relationship will deplete the emotional bank account. There are obvious things that do this like the stresses and strains of everyday life which turn our energy toward survival rather than to the people in our lives. We want our intimate relationship to be a haven but all too often it becomes another demand. Then, there are the more subtle depletions that can be outside of our conscious awareness. Factors such as unspoken expectations, fears, assumptions, gender values and family of origin issues can create barriers without our full awareness. Bringing this information into focus can make a significant difference on how we understand and accept one another. When these factors are not addressed, the emotional bank account is slowly depleted. Signs of this depletion can be seen in the way we treat each other. We can find ourselves relating to our beloved in volatile, critical or indifferent ways. If this continues, we lose access to the person we need and want the most. In fact, to use Dr. Steven Stosny’s paradigm, we are failing to protect our loved one from ourselves. When we devalue our loved one, we are cutting off connection. We may not realize it but this has a profound effect on how we feel about ourselves. We can feel guilty for the hurt we cause and often we end up resenting our loved ones for making us so upset that we resort to devaluing behaviours. This is how resentment builds up. It is important to take full responsibility for our behaviour even when we believe that someone else has caused it by being so “thoughtless” or “selfish” or whatever we are upset about.
This cycle can be prevented and reversed with methods you can start using today. Remember, your couple relationship needs to come first. All other relationships will thrive when your couple relationship is healthy. Here are a few ideas for making deposits into the account.
Train Yourself to be Compassionate
Practice telling yourself when your partner upsets you, that your partner is more important to you than any issue (unless there is abuse, addiction or an affair.)
Bids and Turns
A bid is an attempt to gain your partner’s attention, acknowledgement and help. Your partner has three choices when you make a bid; to turn toward the bid, away from the bid or against it. Gottman discovered that in healthy relationships, 96% of all bids for connection are responded to positively. These bids can be as simple as a smile or wink and as elaborate as planning a major life event. Pay attention to when your partner is bidding for a connection with you because every positive response makes your relationship stronger.
Humour
Lighten up, play, laugh, sing, dance and let go of inhibitions. Have private signals and jokes. Go on dates, do fun activities together. Try something you’ve never tried before. Take a class together. Be childlike together.
Touch
Hold hands, cuddle, give back rubs, foot massages, make your kisses last 10 seconds and hugs last 30 seconds. Sexual health is very important. Learn how to talk about what is meaningful to you sexually.
Get Re-acquainted
Many couples feel they have nothing in common to talk about except for the children. Find common interests. Read together, share ideas and feelings.
Become More Knowledgeable About Relationship Health
Bring this article to the attention of your partner. Perhaps it will motivate you to pick up one of the books recommended below and read it together. This type of activity will give you a common focus and language with which to strengthen your connection.
The ideas are endless. Putting your relationship as a high priority in your life will make a difference in your overall well-being. Make time – it is well worth it.
Recommended Reading
The Relationship Cure - John Gottman,
Hold Me Tight - Dr. Sue Johnston
How Can I Get Through to You - Terrence Real,
2001 Ways to be Romantic - Gregory J.P. Godech,
Dance of Intimacy - Harriet Goldhor Lerner
How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It - by Steven Stosny & Patricia Love
Susan Prosser offers counselling to individuals, families, and couples, and conducts workshops and courses on parenting, relationship issues, self esteem and communication at the Adlerian Counselling and Consulting Group, Inc. The holistic approach of the Centre is congruent with Susan's approach to working with people.
Psychotherapy / Counselling: Individual Counselling, Couple / Marriage Counselling,
Family / Parent Counselling, Children / Teens Counselling | Consulting: Training, Keynote
Addresses, Executive / Leadership Coaching, Customized Workshops and Conferences
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