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Five Stages of a Couple’s Journey
By Susan Prosser
Relationships create a place for us to learn how to love. Truly loving another human is a challenging and maturing experience. Learning to love is a process that includes several stages. This article describes the stages and ways of meeting the challenges encountered in each.
Stage I: Romance - Falling in Love
During this stage, we are infatuated and happy. It is easy to put the other first and treat the relationship as a priority. Our hormones are activated and it is effortless to engage in loving behaviours. The mistake we make in this stage is to believe that this wonderful feeling is a predictor of future happiness. The only predictor of future happiness is your willingness to continue these loving behaviours.
Ways to build romance are:
- Make appointments to talk with your partner about matters that take energy and thought.
- Write a love letter telling him/her everything you love about him/her.
- Take a long walk together.
- Meet for lunch.
- Call your partner and talk on the phone.
- Send love notes in each others purse, briefcase, etc.
- Buy your partner a surprise gift once a month.
- Publicly praise your partner.
- Dress up for a candlelight dinner at home after the children got to bed.
- Listen to your partner without judging or fixing.
- Make eye contact frequently.
- Remember to say “I love you”.
- Give your partner a weekly night out to play or do his/her favourite activity.
- Give each other a foot rub.
- Say thank you, often.
- Have a pillow/snowball fight.
- Have 10 second kisses and 30 second hugs.
- Take dancing lessons. Many studios offer a free trial lesson.
- Sing old songs together.
- Read to each other.
- Watch old favourite movies.
- Look through photographs of your lives
- Laugh together
Stage II: Power Struggles
This stage begins with a sense of disillusionment and a recognition that our partner may not be as “ideal” as we imagined. Our sense of “we” and our comfort with each other is lessened. The relationship is now focused on looking at the differences of each partner and conflict can be the result. Energy is expended in attempting to change the other person and judgement can be a frequent part of conversation. The challenge of this stage is to learn to create one’s own sense of security in the world and personal autonomy in the relationship. The opportunity is to view our differences as healthy and enhancing to our partnership. As couples we have to learn to respect and accept each other in reality, not as we wish the other to be in order to make us feel happy.
Ways to manage our power struggles and disillusionment:
- Be willing to listen to each other’s perceptions and feelings about a situation.
- Work on a win-win intention in discussions.
- Focus on your strengths as a couple and as individuals and build on them.
- Celebrate your ability to learn from each other and use the differences to enrich your lives.
- Keep your own interests, hobbies and make time for something you love to do on your own.
- Choose to behave as an ally and friend to each other as you work through the differences.
Stage III: Developing Stability
Moving from the power struggle means letting go of the desire to have things your own way. It leads you into finding ways for your relationship to thrive.
- Instead of criticizing, ask for what you want or need
-When your partner is upset, ask what you can do
- When you find yourself getting defensive or angry - stop and remember this won’t get you what you want and, in fact, will harm the relationship.
- Realize the relationship is a separate entity that requires your maturity, courage, self discipline and self awareness.
- Get help from a therapist - an objective, knowledgeable person can be your guide.
Stages IV: Commitment and Trust
Now that you know each other deeply, you can move into the comfort of trusting each other to have your best interests at heart. Even when mistakes are made, you know in your heart that you and your partner are doing your best. You can make allowances for one another and move on. The knowledge that comes from repeated efforts of caring, listening and respecting each other builds strong “love muscles.”
Improve your communication skills:
- Listen in a caring, empathetic focused way
- Express concerns openly, honestly and respectfully
- Make appointments with one another to discuss issues/problems
- 93% of communication is non-verbal. Remember that your body language, expressions, posture. Touch can send powerful messages either positive or negative.
- Be prepared to give your partner the benefit of the doubt.
- Learn not to take things personally.
- Re-vitalize your sexual communication - it can always be fun and interesting - at every age and stage.
Stage V: Deepening the Connection
Now the pleasure of deepening your bond can continue over time. You trust each other more than you trust those inner voices of fear and need to have your own way. You take responsibility for you own actions and you feel like you are best friends with your lover.
- Make time for the deepening acts of love and friendship.
- Don’t make the mistake of thinking you know your partner so well that you don’t have to talk about things.
- Laugh together often and have fun.
- Explore changing sexual desires and rhythms.
- Have activities you enjoy together.
- Make your home a haven.
Moving through the many stages of a relationship requires us to be aware of our behaviours attitudes and reactions. It also requires being willing to understand and accept your partner on a deep level. The challenges are great and the rewards are immeasurable.
References:
- The Couples Comfort Book by Jennifer Louden
- The Dance of Intimacy by Harriet Lerner
- I Don’t Want To Talk About It by Terrance Real
- The Truth About Love by Pat Love
- How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It, by Steven Stosny & Patricia Love
Susan Prosser is a senior associate at the Adlerian Counselling and Consulting Group. She offers counselling to individuals, families, and couples and conducts workshops and courses on parenting, relationship issues, self esteem and communication.
Psychotherapy / Counselling: Individual Counselling, Couple / Marriage Counselling,
Family / Parent Counselling, Children / Teens Counselling | Consulting: Training, Keynote
Addresses, Executive / Leadership Coaching, Customized Workshops and Conferences
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