 |
|
 |
||
 |
|
 |
||
|
|
Articles |
|
||
 |
|
 |
||
|
|
|
|
|
|
Creating Intimacy In Our Couple Relationships
Our culture tells us that we must find our soul mate and fall madly in love and live happily ever after. In truth, we do not see this happening around us so we have been led to believe that the only way to create the happily-ever-after is to continue searching for that right person.
From the day we are born, we crave connection with another human being. Our need is so profound that infants will actually die if touch-deprived for an extended period of time. Life becomes a series of steps to connect and detach as we learn to move away from our parents and become independent. In the prime of our separation from our parents. As teenagers, our hormones start raging and we begin seeking romantic connections. Our culture tells us that we must find our soul mate and fall madly in love and live happily ever after. In truth, we do not see this happening around us so we have been led to believe that the only way to create the happily-ever- after is to continue searching for that right person.
What we have not been helped to understand is that creating love is a process which takes years. This process involves being intimate with one’s partner. Learning to be emotionally, physically and sexually intimate with our partner is what moves us from the early stages of falling in love to the later stages of mature love. While the ecstasy of falling in love may seem more desirable than the everyday reality of working to create a meaningful relationship devoid of the excitement of the early phases, the resulting intimacy is in fact what we are seaking as humans.
Where do we find intimacy?
1. First of all we need to learn how to love ourselves. How can we believe someone else loves us if we can’t love ourselves? When we feel unlovable, the way we relate to our partner is from a deficit position. “I love you because I need you” leads us to feel insecure when our partners aren’t everything we need them to be. This is the language of fear and distance. On the other hand, when we come from a more wholesome position of self-respect and self-acceptance, the language changes to “I need you because I love you”. This is the language of connection and closeness.
2. The courage to be vulnerable is at the heart of creating intimacy. To risk being open and honest with ourselves and our partner about our deepest thoughts and feelings is to risk exposing the unlovable parts. This openness is necessary if we are ever going to find out that it is acceptable to be imperfect. When we can trust this we will be able to provide the space for our partner to be imperfect which will be liberating for him/her. From here the relationship can build on the strengths that exist rather than focus on the weaknesses that upset us.
3. Redeveloping habits and attitudes of lovers is a vital and intricate part of intimacy. Habits such as talking and listening to one another, having fun times together, making eye contact, touching, kissing and laughing together will revitalize our life and our love. Attitudes such as generosity, respect, caring, tenderness, patience, acceptance and tolerance will create an environment of peace and safety.
4. Taking responsibility for our own behaviour is important mainly because the only person I can change is me. I need to be willing to own my mistakes and learn from them rather than be defensive. When I am really brave I ask myself “how comfortable I would be with me if I were on the receiving side of my behaviour?”. The answers are not always fun to look at but they are liberating when I choose to act on them and change what needs changing.
5. Recognizing that intimacy is a dance that we often choreograph subconsciously helps us to know that the feelings we move in and out of are human and normal. The feelings can range from passion and gratitude to hatred and isolation. This roller coaster of emotion can feel confusing and overwhelming. Acting on our intense feelings of anger and hatred moves us away from our partner. We need to stop and allow the feeling to inform us about what is going on inside of us. We then discover why we need to move away and have an opportunity to rethink ways to create the space or distance we need. It is healthy to be able to tell our partner what it is we feel and need. We may not always get the results we want but this sharing leads to more honest and connected relationships.
Couple relationships allow us to grow into the people we really want to be. The work we do together to create intimacy forms a strong bond that can sustain many storms and actually heal life’s wounds. This bond and the story we create as we build and strengthen it are profound. It is helpful for our children when we model that it is a worthwhile process and one that can bring contentment in life. The emotional highs of falling in love are wonderful and the emotional maturity of seasoned love brings the deep connection we seek as human beings.
Susan Prossor offers counselling to individuals, families, and couples, and conducts workshops and courses on parenting, relationship issues, self esteem and communication at the Adlerian Counselling and Consulting Group, Inc. The holistic approach of the Centre is congruent with Susan's approach to working with people.
[ Download Article | 60k]
Psychotherapy / Counselling: Individual Counselling, Couple / Marriage Counselling,
Family / Parent Counselling, Children / Teens Counselling | Consulting: Training, Keynote
Addresses, Executive / Leadership Coaching, Customized Workshops and Conferences
© 2004-2010 Adlerian Counselling and Consulting Group Inc. | Privacy Policy