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Building Strong Couple Relationships
By Marion Balla
The month of February seems to have two claims to fame - Valentine’s Day and the “blues” month. Are they intertwined? Do people become depressed due to feelings that their lives do not match up to their wishes/expectations? Are they single or living in a difficult relationship and thus do not measure up to the romantic ideology of living happily ever after? It is a challenge to live in a society which makes couple relationships appear easy to do, easy to find and sets expectations which few couples meet on a daily or weekly basis due to multiple demands and few resources to sustain the infatuation of new relationships.
Our culture is full of misinformation about relationships in romance novels, movies and television that perpetuate the fairy tale myths of happily-ever-after love. We need help and encouragement to create healthy relationships. Knowledge, awareness of oneself and one’s partner and the courage to take full responsibility for making our relationships work are key components of healthy couple connections.
How It All Begins
When we meet someone and fall in love, it feels like we have found the answer to all of life’s problems. Finally there is someone who desires to be with us and who thinks we are special. This kind of attention makes us feel valued and seems limitless. This is the love we believe we have been waiting for all our lives.
The basis of this early phase of relationships is one-sided. I feel good because someone else thinks I am wonderful I feel secure because someone else is making me secure.The reality is that we are in love with a human being who has a full range of human feelings, behaviours and imperfections just like us. When the novelty of the relationship wears off a little, the less-than-perfect behaviours and feelings appear. We want those good feelings back and so does our partner but we don’t know how to achieve this. Thus we move to a phase of disillusionment which may produce conflict, power struggles and a strong desire to change the other person.
What is Love?
Love is created by providing and receiving attention, appreciation, affection, affirmation and acceptance. Love is created by team work and a deep commitment to work for the best interests of both partners.
Love is created by protecting time to communicate, to share activities and to renew our enjoyment of one another.
Love is created by building a solid friendship comprised of trust, mutual respect and caring.
Love is created by asking yourself “what have I done to demonstrate I love my partner today?”
Love is a feeling. Love is an action. Creating lasting love is about learning how to value myself and how to value my partner, even when I don’t “feel” loving. Mature love is about understanding that ultimate security and passion come from taking responsibility for my behaviour, for understanding my partner and for taking steps to enrich the relationship.
Become Relationship Builders
- As relationship builders, we need knowledge, assistance, courage, and time.
- As relationship builders, we need to respect ourselves and partners,
- As relationship builders, we need to effectively communicate our needs and feelings,
- As relationship builders, we need to think loving thoughts which leads to a sense of closeness,
- As relationship builders, we need to treat ourselves and our partners with kindness, patience and gentleness,
- As relationship builders, we need to take every opportunity to encourage ourselves and our partners,
- As relationship builders, we need to be trustworthy, reliable and committed to learning from our partner and maturing in the relationship,
- As relationship builders, we need to maintain a balance between giving and receiving,
- As relationship builders, we need to remember there is no such thing as perfection and that every problem creates an opportunity for us to learn and mature.
Couple relationships pass through many stages as we grow and develop together. There are many highs and lows along the journey. A couple relationship could be likened to a flowering plant. The plant requires attention, sustenance and an ongoing awareness of its presence. It must be tended to regularly. The plant may not bloom everyday but with proper care it remains healthy and offers much pleasure to our lives. It changes and grows given the proper environment. A couple relationship changes as the individuals grow and develop and maintain a focus on what they wish to achieve - a healthy and supportive team who share the ups and downs, challenges and joys of living together designed for the best interest of both parties.
Marion Balla is the President of the Adlerian Counselling and Consulting Group, Inc. Further she facilitates workshops, courses and seminars focused on constructive approaches to human relationships in the family workplace and community.
Psychotherapy / Counselling: Individual Counselling, Couple / Marriage Counselling,
Family / Parent Counselling, Children / Teens Counselling | Consulting: Training, Keynote
Addresses, Executive / Leadership Coaching, Customized Workshops and Conferences
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